


Afterthoughts

by LadyoftheWoods



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 23:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19413514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyoftheWoods/pseuds/LadyoftheWoods
Summary: My take on events right after the end of Intrusive Thoughts.





	Afterthoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Intrusive Thoughts, if you haven't watched it go see it right now!

He’d done it, he couldn’t believe he’d done it, couldn’t believe he’d told him, what had he been thinking? It didn’t matter, none of it mattered. He knew and they all knew and he’d hate him now and just when everything was starting to be good, when he was fitting in, when he felt safe, of course they had to go ruin all of it. And yeah, Logan had proved that Remus wasn’t as scary as he’d thought, but there were still others, and they still had power and presence and he’d been one of them.   
What was the point now? Everything he’d been trying to hide, everything he’d been trying to protect Thomas from, it was all coming unraveled, all because Dee hadn’t gotten his way and was throwing a tantrum, except his tantrums were planned schemes and his anger burned sharp and cold like a star and they were all in for it now, but especially him because they had all the ammo in the world against him, knew every secret he’d tried to hide, and his own worry was just making everything worse. As always, he was making everything worse.   
There was a knock on his door. “go away” he called, mentally cursing as his voice trembled.   
“Virgil, I wanted to check on you, after todays… events. Are you alright?” Logan. Because logic dictates that no, he wouldn’t be all right. Of course he wouldn’t, his nightmares were coming true and he was supposed to be alright.   
“I’m fine.” He snapped, harsh and cold. He buried his face in his hands, pulling them through his hair. He couldn’t focus, he could see Thomas’s face when he told him, betrayal and hurt and… and fear. He hated that fear, hated it more than deceit or Remus and almost, almost more than himself. He’d earned it, he deserved it, why shouldn’t they be afraid of him? He was better now, sure, but he’d been one once, he could be one again, he could change sides, he could change everything if he screwed up, and he’d thought he knew what to do with them, to keep them away and keep them out but he knew less than nothing and not knowing was a million times worse because then anything could happen. He didn’t want to go back to them, to see them, he wanted to pretend like they didn’t exist, only he couldn’t because Deceit wouldn’t stop until he’d made whatever point he was trying to make and all the memories of before were filling his mind and he didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to remember when all he did was make Thomas paranoid. When all he was, was Paranoia. All the fear and worry and senselessness from before, from when he’d been half crazy, from when he’d enjoyed scaring them. He’d been as bad as Remus, as Dee, and he hated it, hated himself, hated everything. He wanted to scream, to punch something, anything, to cry, to be left alone, to never leave his room again to shrivel up and vanish, for Thomas to never have discovered deceit in the first place, to never have discovered him in the first place. He could hear his pulse in his ears, like thunder, he couldn’t get enough air, there wasn’t enough air, he couldn’t even breathe right, he was so useless, so worthless, he was the weakest of them all, scared of everything, making Thomas scared of everything, he’d thought he’d changed, but he hadn’t, he’d just changed his name.   
“Virgil. I need you to breathe with me. OK?” Logan, dammit why didn’t he lock the door, why didn’t he do anything right “listen to me. We’re going to breathe. Five in, hold six, out seven. Can you do that?’ Virgil nodded, listening to Logan count the seconds, letting his voice draw him out of his panic spiral.   
He was in the middle of the floor of his room, right where he’d popped back in, legs instantly giving out under him and the weight of what he’d done. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, tears streaking down his face. He scrubbed his face with his sweater sleeve, calmed down but not actually feeling any better. He hugged his arms tightly around himself, trying to stop shaking, trying to keep his breathing even.   
“Thanks.” He whispered, voice hoarse, not meeting Logan’s eyes. He flinched back as Logan tried to reach out. He didn’t deserve his kindness, he didn’t deserve their help.   
“Virgil. Look at me. What happened? What’s wrong? You seemed unsettled when I left but not… not to that extent.” Logan asked, and Virgil choked back another sob.   
“What isn’t wrong? You heard what Remus said, Deceit came to him. That means he’s going to the others, all the others. I can’t handle them, I can’t protect Thomas, I can’t help. I just make it worse, just being here I make things worse.” He answered bitterly.   
“We can handle them, together. You’re trying to do what’s best, we just don’t know what is best yet. We handled Remus today.” Virgil scoffed.   
“You mean you handled Remus today. Me and Patton just made him worse by trying to ignore him. I just amplified his effect. It’s so easy for them to use me against the rest of you, and I don’t even realize they’re doing it because deep down I still am just one of them.” He replied, fighting to keep his voice in check.   
“Virg- “   
“It doesn’t matter anyway. Thomas won’t want to see me anymore. He probably hates me now.” He muttered, cutting off Logan.   
“For what? We all have bad days and rough patches. Today was one of yours, and that’s fine. Nobody was at their best today.” Virgil shook his head.   
“I told him. I told him I used to be a dark side, I used to be one of them, and he’ll never trust me again and I thought I was fitting in, I thought I was coping, I thought for once things were good and I was ok and we were ok but we’re not, Teach. I’m not and Thomas isn’t and as per the norm I’m the weak link.” He could feel his pulse picking up again, the panic rising back to the surface.   
“Virgil, look at me. Actually look at me.” Virgil lifted his head, meeting Logan’s eyes. They were filled with concern and kindness and care. “They only have power over you if you believe that they do. We showed that to Deceit last time, and we showed it to Remus today. I know it’s easier said than done, and I know it’s hard given your history, but don’t let them fool you. You are stronger than all of them combined, because you saw what they were, what you were, and you decided to change. That’s harder than anything any of them has ever done. Don’t let your fear make you forget that.” Logan said, reaching out and taking Virgil’s hands in his. This time Virgil didn’t pull away.  
“I’m sorry. I’m always such a mess. I wish I were more like you, I wish I could just think my way through everything, I wish I could stop being afraid for a single second.”   
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. All your worries and concerns are valid. We are here to balance each other out. We’ll get through this together. And I can guarantee Thomas doesn’t hate you. He’s been through a lot today too. Give him time to think things through. Everything will be ok.” Logan replied, squeezing Virgil’s hands.   
“Thanks, Teach.” Virgil said, smiling smally, letting out a long breath and releasing the tension from his body.   
“It’s what we’re here for, Virgil. Don’t let them get to you. You’re braver than you think. Are you alright now?” Virgil nodded, pushing back his hair.   
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright.”   
“Good. I’ll leave you to it, then. See you around, Virg.” Logan said, vanishing down into the ground. Logan always knew when he needed help and when he needed to be alone. He let out another breath, closing his eyes. If Logan said everything was going to be ok, he could let himself start to believe it too. Even if Remus was only the start, everything would be alright.


End file.
